A whole hole

There is an enormous empty space by my side, this void that's usually filled with my most precious beloved Kyloe.  This small little pup, who doesn't take up much space, has left a void as huge as a black hole. An empty chasm which seems to completely fill the whole room I'm in - whichever room that may be.  This infinite emptiness continued in the whole of our garden. I'd never know before such wholeness of a hole.
Its dawn, its dark - the rising morning sun light slowly trying to penetrate the unilluminated sky. The morning breeze chills & blows, the leaves falling like confetti from the trees. The entwining spirits soar & I can feel the vibrant life force of my darling little Kyloe as she chases each & every single leaf. I can see in my minds eye Twizell & Kyloe in a unison of twisting, circling & rolling delights, joined at the hips their little bums, paws & tails in perfect rhythm as together they both try to hold onto the same leaf in their mouths. We've enjoyed many such awakening dawn's together. Yet this morning I have an empty, motionless garden, eerily everything looks the same but feels sooo different. Little Twizell is wrapped around my ankles, sitting on my feet. If I walk she walks, if I stand still she stands still then sits.
Maybe we're both noticing this huge emptiness in our hearts & play.
The morning rituals seem to take half the time, noticing immediately their cosy bed, once full of two little dark noses & tow little wagging tails looks half full.  As does the utility room - there is only one water bowl & one dinner dish.  My breath is taken, I gasp to release the pain excruciatingly filling my chest, tears stream as I walk around the garden taking Twizell for weee wee's. She runs to her little place, wee wee's then runs straight back.  Instinctively I pick up the jingling balls that I've just trodden on, two little balls with strong chewable ribbons projecting out of each ball, both bound together with a thick piece of elastic. I am just about to throw it when I realise it /life won't ever be the same again. I want to sob uncontrollably but I have Twizell still at my feel sitting rather subdued & looking very sorrowful. I wonder if she misses her sister or if its because her sister is always so playful & such a wonderful character that Twizell simply just follows or maybe its because perhaps I've always noticed Kyloe's play a little more. C'est la Vie
Routines are maintained, from a kindness aspect we thought its best to keep Twizell - one of the most good,  gorgeous,  such well adapting, behaved independent pups - in the already established routines as normality must continue.  Although, of course naturally I sooooo just want to pick her up, take her back to bed with us & spoil her rotten. Which undoubtedly would undo all of the hard work & lovely routines created.
Twizel & Kyloe had their own domain, their own bed, their own routines which worked perfectly with ours. But more than that it meant if we ever had to go out & leave them or anyone came to stay here with them - their routine wasn't changed. Their harmony & happiness could also be found rooted into their usual domain & bed. If I change all that she may feel unsettled.  At least as much as possible of her night & day are the same - hmmm same used loosely - except for this whole little being not being part of our daily life, that whole little being who created a feeling of wholeness. That darling little Soul has left such a huge huge wholeness of a hole!!!  Again I can't breathe, my heart & chest hurt so much rising & falling with every quiet deep sob. How can I miss a little pup sooo much, how is it possible she can still have the strings of my heart wrapped firmly around her paws - right there - miles away - in her new home.
I heard her little laughter & little bark thru the night, I've never heard her bark thru the night but here in the slumber & privacy of my dreams she came to play - crouching , running & barking , we were laughing & chasing, the thrill & joys overflowing. I awoke in floods of tears -  I cried & cried because I couldn't hold her- she wasn't here yet her presence is suffocatingly painful.
I'm astounded at my sadness spilling over, an unashamed outpouring of grief - a puppy - for goodness sake - a puppy!! Especially as I still have another little  puppy asleep right now in her bed!! .. but Kyloe ... Kyloe was my pup.  Twizel is Hubby's & Daughter's pup. Kyloe stared deep into my Soul & me into her's from the first moment we met.  We had this infinity thing going on. We walked into each others lives & changed our hearts & world forever.
Kyloe was the runt of the litter - everyone notices how pretty Twizell is, what lovely markings, what a lovely temperament. Kyloe is so full of energy, so excited to meet people she would erupt into a swirling leaping bundle of tongue & tummy tickles - often not knowing which to do first lie down or jump up. Unfortunatley this burst of excitement would cause peeps to pull back, stand up, or simply move her away & stroke the more apparently sane pup - who actually just figured it all out -  if she just sat still she'd be stroked first!! 
Think if many of our visitors weren't customers or client sit would be different but as most are dressed in their suits etc we just couldn't allow the pups to jump up, especially with the mud.  Kyloe never got this to begin with, sooo delighted to see you she would just burst with joy & exuberance. Jumping on her hind legs for all she was worth. yet, amongst the two -  she became so obedient, so loyal, so courageous, so funny & so wholly full of character. A little rare rough diamond!! I decided from day one I would nurture this little Soul & touch her world with kindness - reach her heart & intelligence with patience.
It seemed we had a lot in common, stick around long enough to see past & through the external, rough ragged appearance one can reach & have access to a heart full of endless love just waiting to be discovered.   Kyloe's heart was there for the loving, if only people would give her that chance. I took her on, I could understand the language she spoke from behind her eyes, her Soul shone, speaking with such clarity.
Yes, no doubts at all I absolutely love Kyloe - she is definitely the right pup (they're both are the right pups - just  very very sadly not together) We found our own rhythm , our unique beat, we united in laughter & all of the time I spent with her was such an investment, she became fully into herself.  An amazing pup yet one who hasnt even begun to fully become all the amazing qualities she has inside. She is soo soo very intelligent & soo agile.   Often I would whisper a command & she'd hear it & do it instantly.  When we would sit & play - testing how quietly I could whisper & how fast she would respond - she is so responsive.
Its inherent & a well known trait Border Terriers have the most sensitive hearing.  Twizell would sit watching, wondering what we were doing. However, Kyloe - it really was like a sacred love affair - she knew exactly what I was doing & when I was speaking to her.  If I walked into the room  she became mine & I became hers.  When we were all out on a walk, always she was the first to come haring round the corner to find me when we played hide & seek. always responsive to her name. (the fact that she runs the fastest has nothing to do with it :)
Oooh dear this hole which will unveil itself every day & every where, I will have to remember such emptiness can be filled, especially with Twizell and hopefully occasionally fleeting moments again with the little pup I've known as Kyloe.   As we hope we can still allow & continue with The Adventures of :) .. Kyloe & Twizel. Adventures in the local woods & meadows, that we're allowed to watch and admire the sisters playing & maturing together  still loving & respecting each other without ever having to fight for superiority!  If ever we can meet up with Kyloe's new family/pack. It will also be lovely to see the wholeness  within her new family - how much they love her & how happy she looks.  Yes I think a rendezvous would be quite perfect. Its lucky for us they,the family who came to pick her up & take her off to their home, for new beginnings & a whole new life, seem such a gorgeous lot, very caring & sensitive to our sadness too. Importantly, they do already seem to love her so much.  I am most confident Kyloe will completely fill their family with her love, of which she is an endless source & will bring them much joy.


Twizell, in time will become a whole little pup as opposed to half of Kyloe. Kyloe will have a family who adore her  - and as she just loves children  I envisage she will be by her new, 10 year old,  masters side forever ! Many journeys in woods, meadows with unlimited adventures.
I wish the whole family every joy & success with Kyloe, no matter what they rename her if they do, she will always be Kyloe to me in my heart. Kyloe is a name reflecting the full and evocative beauty, wildness & freedom of the Borders in Northumberland- a name captured within a  little wholeness of being who has left a huge huge hole in my heart - that at this very minute seems everlasting & impossible to fill.

Goodbye & Thankyou.

Soon, I'm sure - I hope - all will come to make sense & the loss will soon feel like a  gain of contentment knowing I've done the right thing - the thought of my darling pups fighting as they mature was just not an option I  was willing to take.  Funnily enough although my heart does break & tears flow - my Soul is at peace. For Kyloe & Twizel I have done the responsible thing based on information shared by professional breeders & dog trainers.


How I wish I'd logged & blogged more when we first had Kyloe, so many things captured in the font - although I will always remember - sometimes its lovely to be able to read back over the firsts, the frivolous fun, the friskiness & of course endless love.


Bless you little Kyloe - in the hearts of all you meet you will dwell!


Every night I will always continue to say, " God Bless your little Soul "  as I bless Twizell's, switch out Twizell's light to leave her to her dreams in the quiet Utility room as we all retire to beddy byes. Maybe the cats will move into the cosy bed with Twizell - there is plenty of room!!




Kyloe - I miss you, somehow I think I always will. xXx

K Y L O E   R O S E  
(after asking her if she'd eaten the chicken poop!)